From Posh Legs to Super Attractive Vein

I am ashamed to admit that in high school for Halloween one year I was a Spice Girl with a group of my friends. I was Posh Spice, the sexy one that wore very small clothes. My distinguishing feature as Posh Spice were my long and skinny legs (this is according to my wife who witnessed this embarrassing phase). There is even a picture of the group of us posing as the Spice Girls (which you'll see below). Britnie, way back in high school, even took this picture to school and showed some of my teachers and they teased me about it after that. It was all in good fun and honestly, who wouldn't get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of wearing pantyhose and fake knockers?





Fast forward thirteen years. I am no longer the attractive spring chicken I once was. Now one of my legs is a gnarly mess of ugly old man. Observe this photo and notice what looks like a basilisk weaving itself through my calf muscle:

Last weekend my in-laws saw this delightful, bulging vein and starting filling my mind with paranoia about blood clots and pulmonary embolisms. Ever since my dad got a subdural hematoma in his brain after one too many rides on X-2 at Six Flags, I've been scared of brain bruises and blood clots. So, I figured I'd have a doctor check it out to see if my life was at risk.

Finding a doctor was an adventure in itself. I hadn't been to a regular family doctor since July 2003 when my mom forced me to make sure I hadn't picked up a parasite on my mission. Whenever I've needed a doctor during the past 8 years, I've just gone to Urgent Care. I knew the last regular doctor I went to was long gone because his office was in the old Cottonwood hospital. I ended up calling up the place my wife's family goes and made an appointment there. I met first with the nurse, who repeatedly kept telling me what a cool vein I had and it was the highlight of her day since usually all she sees are sore throats. Once the doctor arrived and he looked at it, I sat through a long explanation about veins, failing valves, and my doctor's consternation over his son's desire to major in theater at college instead of pre-med. Long story short, it turns out I just have a disgustingly huge and unattractive varicose vein. Yep, I've now been deemed old and gross-looking by a PhD. Goodbye calf-modeling career. Hello twisted face-stares from statuesque young people.